The House On Spencer Hill
by snarryvader81
Summary: Having been invited to dinner at Wesker's house, or mansion, as the case may be, Chris, Jill, Barry, and Rebecca will soon find themselves facing such horrors as demon dogs, insane life partners, annoying little girls, and . . . Alice. Yaoi, crack
1. Welcome To Spencer Manor

"Are you sure Wesker lives _here_?" demanded Jill, frowning bemusedly at the massive mansion sprawled across the landscape before them.

Chris Redfield double checked the post-it note Wesker had scribbled his address on, and nodded. "Yes, this is it."

"It's in the middle of the woods," she hissed.

Chris shrugged. "I don't know. But this is the address."

Jill glanced over his shoulder. "There isn't an address written on there, Chris, in case you haven't noticed. It just says "Spencer Estate"."

"Yeah." He nodded his head at a shiny gold plaque in the middle of the stone walkway they stood on, which read "Spencer Estate".

Jill's frown deepened.

Rebecca shivered. "It's kinda creepy. You know, like some fun house you'd walk through on Halloween, where things jump out at you from around corners and the lights in the hallways are all black and red and you think there might be something about to rip your head off your--"

"Thank you, Becky," Barry cut in harshly.

"But how could he afford it?" continued Jill, heedless of both Rebecca and Barry. "I mean, I can barely afford to rent an _apartment_ …!"

"He's the captain."

"But he can't make that much more than us!" She furrowed her eyebrows. "He'd _better _not! I mean, I work _just_ as hard as him and I _deserve--_"

Chris rolled his eyes. "He does other stuff, I think. Or did, at any rate. Like, remember when they tried to put that name plaque on his office door but it wouldn't fit, because of all those letters after his name? So, he eventually just made them engrave a new one with just 'A. Wesker, Captain' on it?"

Jill nodded thoughtfully, pursing her lips. "What do you think did before he became the captain of S.T.A.R.S?"

Chris shrugged. "I think I saw MD. Or maybe PhD. Or was it both? And there might've been a 'U' or a 'V' in there somewhere."

The wind whistled through the trees eerily, and Rebecca shivered. Clamping her hands over her midsection, she shifted from foot to foot. "Can we just go in, please?"

Jill opened her mouth to answer, but Chris grabbed her arm tightly and led her up the walkway and onto the porch.

"What nice knockers," said Chris, eyeing the intricately carved bronze gargoyle heads that served as the device for knocking on the door.

Jill elbowed him as roughly as she could. Chris stumbled to the side and made a sound of pained surprise. "What was that for?" he demanded.

"You know what it was for," she said, reluctantly grabbing one of the gargoyle heads, lifting it up, and letting it fall back against the door. A resounding 'boom' echoed around them.

Chris frowned. "It--it was about the--the actual _knockers_," he stammered, motioning wildly at the gargoyle heads.

Jill rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say, Christopher."

"Um, Jill?" said Rebecca, glancing nervously over her shoulder.

"Don't call me _Christopher_," said Chris, irritated. Then, almost as an afterthought, he added: "Jillian."

"Jill?" repeated Rebecca.

"_Jillian_?" spat Jill. "I thought you promised to _never_ lengthen my name! He did, didn't he, Barry? Barry?"

Barry's attention, however, wasn't focused on Jill and Chris's rather immature spat over names. He was currently staring in the same direction as Rebecca, whose voice was caught in her throat, along with a piercing shriek that her frozen muscles just couldn't form.

"_Barry_!" shouted Jill, spinning around. "Back me up here! I--Oh my god open the door!"

"What?" asked Chris, confusedly glancing over his shoulder. His gaze met several sets of unnaturally shining red and orange eyes, which were positioned over sets of sharp, canine teeth that glinted in the moonlight.

He stared at them for a horrified moment, before throwing himself against the door. "Wesker!" he shrieked, pounding on the entrance with his fists. "WESKER! OPEN THE DOOR!!"

Jill, meanwhile, was screaming, "Shoot them! Shoot them!"

"I don't have a gun!" Barry bellowed. "Goddamn it! I _knew_ I should've brought my magnum!!"

"Why didn't you?!"

Barry shook his head incredulously. "I _thought_ I was going to my boss's _house_ for dinner! I didn't think that would constitute me being _armed!_" Picking up the closest thing he could get his hands on (a concrete flowerpot, as it was), he heaved it at the nearest dog. It slammed into it's muzzle, knocking it backwards (and covering it with dirt and what had only seconds previous been a rose plant).

"WESKER!! WESKER! THERE ARE MONSTER DOGS IN YOUR FRONT YARD!! WESKER!" Chris's voice was almost glass-breakingly high pitched, and he was hitting the door so hard it seemed more as though he was trying to break through it than knock.

The dogs were slowly advancing, and Jill was equally as panicked as the rest of them. Still, she had the presence of mind to try the simplest way to get the door open, without waiting for Wesker to open it:

The Handle.

As soon as she pressed down on it, the door's latch clicked, and it swung open, sending warm light pouring out onto the porch.

Rebecca finally screamed.

Jill glanced over her shoulder, and began to scream as well.

The dogs' flesh was hanging off of their bodies, in long, rotting chunks.

Horrified and disgusted, Jill mindlessly flung herself into the mansion, and Chris stumbled in after her. Barry roughly grabbed Rebecca's arm and led her up the stairs.

"Wait," she said, nervously glancing over her shoulder at the approaching Dobermans, "isn't this breaking and entering? I mean, we're just letting ourselves--"

"Would you rather be mauled by demon dogs?" Barry barked, shoving her through the doorway. "And besides, we were invited."

The front doors slammed closed and the dogs lunged, slamming up against the unyielding surface.

Rebecca stumbled backwards, away from the wild barking and growling, and tripped. She fell backwards onto a wide strip of thin red carpet, landing with a thunk.

Chris leaned back against the door, which was vibrating from the dogs' scratching. "What the--what the _hell_ was that?"

"Maybe they had distemper, or rabies?" said Rebecca, frowning.

"Their skin was _rotting away_," stressed Jill, "and they weren't dead. Does that sound like rabies to you, Rebecca?"

Rebecca squeaked at the memory and shook her head.

Barry huffed and shifted from foot to foot. "I think there's something very wrong with--"

The four of them jumped at the sound of rapidly approaching footsteps from up above, and they looked to the balcony in time to see a blond haired woman smoothly jump over the railing. She landed gracefully on the ground and looked around the room.

She frowned.

"This isn't the mansion … Or, not the right one … But, the Hive is underneath it …" She caught sight of Rebecca, and raised her gun. "And who are you people?" she demanded. "Do you work for Umbrella, too?"

"Umbrella?" repeated Rebecca blankly. "You mean, the pharmaceutical company?"

"So, you know about it, then," she hissed, cocking her gun. Rebecca noticed that there were dried bloodstains on her red dress, and gulped.

"Well--well, I know a little about it. I mean, my cold medication was manufactured by them. But, I don't _work_ for them. I work for S.T.A.R.S. You know, the Special Tactics and Rescue Service." She smiled, suddenly proud. "I'm the youngest member, you know. Captain Wesker handpicked me."

"Wesker," muttered the woman thoughtfully. "That name sounds vaguely familiar … But, of course, a lot of names sound vaguely familiar right now …"

They stared at her.

She shook herself out of her reverie. "Sorry. I'm going through a spell of amnesia. It's mostly worn off, but …"

"Alice!!"

The shout came from the balcony. A man landed roughly on the ground a moment later, and stumbled towards the woman in the dress.

"Why don't they just take the stairs?" muttered Jill. Chris shrugged.

"Matt!" shouted Alice, rushing forward and grabbing his arm. She propped him against her side and, seemingly having forgotten about the S.T.A.R.S members, helped him towards the front doors.

Jill winced. "You might not want to go out there. There are these--"

The doors flew open, sending Chris stumbling forward. Several men in biohazard suits rushed into the room, and after a rather lengthy struggle, subdued Alice. The front doors remained open, but the dogs seemed to have disappeared, and the porch was, oddly enough, tented.

Matt was moved onto a stretcher, and one of the men moved towards him.

"I want him in the Nemesis project," he said dramatically, as Matt was wheeled out of the mansion.

The men holding Alice dragged her out the doors as well, and they slammed closed, leaving a pregnant silence in their wake.

"What just happened?" Chris finally demanded.

Barry shook his head. "I have _no_ idea."

A door creaked, and a voice rang out.

"Oh, don't mind them. They were in the wrong mansion."

"Captain Wesker!" shouted Rebecca, struggling to her feet. She dashed towards the man, who had just entered through a metal door that led off of the first landing of the staircase. "Wesker, there's something really weird going on here!" She hurried up the steps and stopped in front of him, practically vibrating.

The man's sunglasses revealed nothing regarding his emotions. "Hardly. They want the mansion next door. It's rather similar, but less developed, like a pale imitation. Not as well written, for sure. Instead of S.T.A.R.S. there's some Umbrella SWAT team and after all this time I still don't know who that 'Alice' woman is--"

"What are you talking about?" Jill cut in, blinking.

Wesker slowly began to descend the stairs, his black duster billowing out behind him dramatically, despite there being no breeze in the room. "Nothing."

"But--but those dogs!" exclaimed Rebecca wildly. "The rotting Dobermans!" She nodded frantically. Wesker stared at her.

"There were rotting Dobermans," she repeated, more quietly.

"As you said. They're the guard dogs. Clara and Hera and Zeke and Zeus."

"The _guard_ dogs?" repeated Jill incredulously.

Wesker nodded. "They came with the place when I inherited it from …" He cleared his throat. "Uncle James."

Rebecca gulped. "But they were_ rotting_," she breathed.

"Just the lighting," he said, grabbing her arm and leading her towards a set of double doors on the left side of the mansion. "The darkness makes them look odd, sometimes."

"I know what I saw!" Rebecca shrieked.

Wesker rolled his eyes, but no one saw because of the glasses. "Come on, Rebecca, Jill, Barry, Chris. I invited you over for dinner, and dinner we will have. I admit, things can get very … hectic … around here at times, but let's just enjoy the food."

With one hand, he pulled one of the doors open, and began to speak, but the opening of the front doors made him pause.

The men in biohazard suits were back, as were Alice and Matt, who seemed very confused.

"We just left here!" shouted Alice, struggling in futile to escape.

"Code 302," said the man who seemed to be the leader of the group. "Universe confusion."

The S.T.A.R.S. members stared as the men and their captives rapidly ascended the stairs and disappeared around the balcony.

Wesker was silent for a moment.

"Let's eat dinner!" he finally declared, shoving them into the next room.

-

-

-

**Author's Note**: Ahem. I'm not too sure how funny this is, but my mother said it was cute so I thought "what the hell, why don't I inflict it on others?" If anyone actually cares about a timeline, this would obviously be pre RE1, but its a total parody so that doesn't really matter.

This was originally supposed to be a one shot, but apparently it didn't work out that way. In the next chapter, we'll meet Wesker's "life partner" (take a guess) and the team will see some zombies for the first time. And maybe some other stuff will happen, I haven't thought it out yet.

Anna


	2. Headshots Are Queen

The ticking clock was irritatingly loud. Tick, tock, tick, tock. It's slow, steady repetitiveness made you just want to bash it in to make it stop.

Wesker directed them all to a long, wooden dinner table, which looked as though it could comfortably seat a hundred people. Jill and Rebecca, in a show of feminine togetherness, sat down next to each other and promptly began to eye Wesker warily.

Chris and Barry glanced at each other, glanced away, cleared their throats, and each took a seat very far away from the other.

Wesker also cleared his throat. "Now, just relax, chat a bit. Dinner will be--"

"**BOOM**!! _HEADSHOT_!!"

The piercing shriek made everyone startle in unison. The table jarred from the force of four pairs of knees hitting it at once, sending an expensive-looking vase flying to the floor.

Wesker looked at it in horror.

Jill and Rebecca immediately jumped up and began to gather up the pieces.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Captain Wesker," Rebecca apologized, pausing when she found a weird blue gem in the middle of the rubble. Shrugging, she tossed it over her shoulder.

It his Chris in between the eyes, sending him sprawling backwards.

"It's okay," Wesker said, his voice amazingly forced. "Just a vase." He sniffled.

Jill looked at the clay shards in her hands and grimaced. It looked very expensive … something her Father would've called a good grab … Maybe even something she might've tried to make off with when she left, like that antique perfume bottle she'd nabbed from Kathy Burton.

"We can … replace it?" said Rebecca slowly.

"Irreplaceable," said Wesker, grinding his teeth. "But, ah, never mind. It's just a vase. That Uncle James gave to me. In the lab. On his deathbed."

Rebecca gasped and covered her heart. The clay pieces in her hands ground into her shirt, and dust began to fall to the floor.

Wesker stared at the remains of the vase. "I'd always loved that vase. When I was just a trainee, I'd go in his office and _admire_ that vase. And Jimmy would admire it, too, and say, 'Al, when I die I'll give it to you'. I loved Uncle James very, very much, and it was so painful when Spencer ordered me to k--"

"Hey, wait, who said that?" With Barry's help, Chris had gotten back up off of the floor, and was now staring at them, completely unaware of Wesker's sudden flashback.

They all quieted, and noticed a quiet ping-ping-rap-rap sound coming from under the table.

Heart pounding nervously in his chest, Barry slowly approached the area it was coming from and, in one quick movement, flipped the tablecloth up.

"**BOOM**!! _HEADSHOT_!!"

Barry jumped back in terror, ramming into the clock and breaking the glass plate.

As something emerged from beneath, Chris screamed, Rebecca fainted, and Jill simply took two large steps backwards with a mildly frightened expression on her face, as she usually did when facing something monstrous, like a Tyrant, giant snake, or … in this case … a **little girl**.

The girl stared at them with bleary eyes, and soon another small head joined hers.

Chris screamed again. Visions of Samara Morgan and Alessa Gillespie danced through his head, and he began to shake. There were some scary things in the world, but little girls … they were the most terrifying of them all. The appearance of one always signified something horrible, like a raven or a black cat.

"What is it?" demanded the girl angrily. She clutched a video game controller tightly in her little hands, and the plastic soon began to bend unnaturally.

"You were shouting … horrible things …" croaked Jill, her eyes wide.

The girl bared her teeth. "Excuse me?" she shrieked. "_Excuse me_? We--" She gestured at the other girl. "_--_were in the middle of the CABIN FIGHT, and YOU made us loose! God damn it! Now I have to fight the damned thing _all over again_!"

Chris screamed.

The girl threw her controller across the room at him. It hit him in between the eyes, shattering as no plastic should be able to shatter and knocking Chris out.

Jill ducked behind the nearest chair for safety.

"I'm going to go find _Daddy_!" the girl continued, the shriek upgraded to a screech. "Come on, Angela!"

Angela nodded. "Okay, Sherry."

They emerged out from under the table and made for the door, but Wesker cleared his throat.

Sherry paused, annoyed. "_Yes_?"

"Who is that?" he asked, pointing at Angela.

Sherry glanced between them. "Her name's Angela."

"Yes," Wesker gritted out, "I am aware of her name. But what is she doing here, and why?"

The two girls glanced at each other and shrugged. Angela spoke.

"I just woke up here."

Sherry nodded. "Yeah. We ran into each other in the piano room. She was looking for _her_ daddy, and she said he worked at an Umbrella lab, like_ my_ daddy--"

Rebecca regained consciousness in time to hear the word 'Umbrella' again and wonder why everyone seemed to be talking about it, only to realize there was another little girl in the room and pass back out.

"--and that his name was 'Charles'. So, I said that I'd see if my daddy knew _her_ daddy, but then I found my copy of RE4 and we decided that--"

Wesker covered his ears and clenched his teeth against the high pitched little girl voice. "Okay!" he finally cut in, laughing nervously. "Okay, there, Sherry! Angela. Why don't you go and find William, and tell him all about it, eh? I'm sure he'd love to hear it."

"Okay," she said perkily, tugging Angela towards the door, which seemed to, oddly enough, be vibrating. She stood on her tiptoes and turned the handle.

It burst open, and a tall figure stumbled in. His clothes were ripped, his hair missing in clumps, and his skin shriveled grotesquely.

Rebecca, who had once again come back around promptly fainted at the sight. Chris was also awoken, but only by the horrible, sickening stench of decaying flesh.

The thing lunged towards Sherry.

Jill squeaked, and moved to go and save her from the perceived threat. "Oh, God! Sherry!"

Sherry's face didn't even show surprise. She pulled out a dagger, wrestled the monster down into a headlock, and promptly jammed the blade into its skull.

Jill took several steps backward in horror at the terrible violence.

Sherry jump kicked the monster back into the hall. It went stumbling and hit the floor with a thud.

"Ha!" she said haughtily. "Head-stab! I'm so good, I should start playing GTA! Come on, Angela! Let's go find _Daddy_!"

They slammed the door closed behind them.

Wesker gave a long suffering sigh, took in the sight of his guests (three of whom were shocked beyond words or movement, and one fainted), and sat down at the table.

"Dinner'll be ready soon," he said, idly running a hand over his gelled hair. "Don't sweat it."

* * *

**Author's Note:** So, I hurt my foot today and can't walk without pain, but on the good side, I finally got my lazy ass together and wrote this. :) And, uh, my knowledge of the movies is a little foggy, so if there's any mistakes pertaining to Angela Ashford that's why.

And the vase thing ... I'm not sure if anyone's ever seen it, but how Wesker goes on about the vase being given to him by a 'relative' on their deathbed was inspired by a scene in a 'Golden Girls' episode.

Thanks for the lovely reviews!

Anna


	3. Once Upon A Time In Africa

"So, Wesker," said Chris, leaning into the blonde's personal space. "May I call you Albert?"

"No," said Wesker.

Chris frowned. "Oh." He'd fancied Captain Wesker ever since he'd first seen him in all his blonde, Adonis-like glory the day of his interview at the RPD. He'd been wearing an all leather outfit that had immediately made Chris think of bondage gear (not that he had any experience with such things, no), and therefore he now equated Albert Wesker with sex incarnate.

If only he could see the man shirtless . . .

"You will," said Wesker ominously. "Many, many years from now. Atop a volcano. In Africa."

Chris's eyes lit up like light bulbs. "Where we make passionate love beside the lava, to the rhythm of war drums?"

Wesker shook his head. "Where I grow several tentacles and you and your girl partner try to kill me."

While Chris absently wondered how Wesker would be able to grow tentacles (and if there was any possibility of tentacle rape occurring in the described scenario), Barry and Jill slowly approached the fireplace.

Ignoring the dead, rotting body in the adjoining hallway, they focused on a small drop of blood in front of the hearth.

"Oh my God!" Barry exclaimed, squatting down to get a better look. "What _is_ this?!"

"Blood," Jill said, her eyes widening. "Enough to have maybe come from a paper cut or even—a nosebleed!"

Barry gasped.

The zombie, still clinging to its unlife, moaned, a hideous, chilling sound that would've made any intelligent person scream in terror.

Jill and Barry continued staring at the blood.

"Let's report this to Wesker!" Jill declared, turning on her heels and leaning down slightly so that her mouth was a few inches from his ear. "CAPTAIN WESKER, THERE'S A HUGE POOL OF BLOOD IN YOUR DINING ROOM! THIS OBVIOUSLY MEANS SOMETHING SINISTER IS AT WORK! AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE HORRIBLE, PAINFUL DEATHS FOR WHICH THERE ARE NO WORDS!"

His ears ringing and his vision blurring from the sheer volume of her voice, he managed: "There's nothing sinister in this mansion, Jill. Except that Alice woman. And she's gone."

Barry's eyes glazed over as he continued looking fixedly at the blood. "I just hope it's not . . . _Chris's blood_!"

Chris blinked. "No. I don't think so. I haven't been to that part of the room yet and I don't have any wounds."

Barry looked disheartened. "Oh."

He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Though, maybe in some alternate dimension, I _did_ bleed there, because I was fatally shot fighting some horrific monster. Or maybe, you and Jill find that blood because you've been chased into the mansion by monsters and heard gunshots coming from the adjoining hall and went to investigate. And all the while I'm being held in a cell as the Captain's love slave!"

"ASHFORDS!! ASHFORDS IN THIS HOUSE?! HOW DARE THEY INVADE MY PRIVATE PROPERTY?! IS THERE NO END TO THEM?!"

The voice was (only slightly) muffled by the double doors leading into the entrance hall; however, soon those doors were slammed open and Sherry and Angela began backing into the room. A man loomed over them, an insane expression on his tired, pale face.

"Tell me, child—are you here to steal my research?! My precious research on my precious, precious G-Virus?!" He pulled a vial of a purple substance out of the pocket of his lab coat and began rubbing it. "My . . . _precious_ . . ."

Angela gulped. "Um, I don't know what a 'G-Virus' is—"

"You're here to _steal_ it!" he shrieked. "For _Alexia_! That bitch was always trying to sabotage my superior research, and now she's trying to take it for herself! Even death couldn't stop her! But she won't get it! You'll have to pry it from my cold, dead, mutated claws before you take it away from me! I'll turn this whole goddamn city into zombies to protect it, I swear to _God_—!"

"I don't know any 'Alexia'!" Angela insisted.

"You do! I know you do! No one! No one will take it from me!"

Sherry abruptly lunged forward and backhanded the man, making him stumble into a table and knock an antique typewriter to the floor.

"_Daddy_!" she exclaimed, rolling her eyes. "You know I don't like hitting you, right?"

Sniffling, the man nodded.

"But when you get on your G-Virus tirades," she continued, "I can't help myself. Now, Angela is a friend. Not an enemy. Hell, somewhere in the fifth or sixth dimension, she's my proxy and her daddy is yours. Yeah. So just, chill or something."

The man pouted, muttering something under his breath.

Wesker cleared his throat. "Will, stop imposing your paranoid delusions onto those children and come meet my employees."

A bruise rapidly developing on his cheek, he reluctantly moved forward to stand next to Wesker at the end of the table.

"Chris Redfield, Jill Valentine, Barry Burton, and Rebecca Chambers, meet William Birkin. My life partner."

Chris's eyes almost popped out of his head. This scrawny, unattractive _thing_ was the reason that Wesker was uninterested?

That was too much to bear, too much. He almost wanted to go home, dig out his Evanescence albums and start cutting again, something he thought he'd beaten with the group therapy.

But no. That would be defeat. And Christopher Redfield was never defeated! Never!

Albert Wesker _would_ be his.

_

_

Author's Note: So, yeah, it's yaoi. Wesker/Birkin and Wesker/Chris, obviously. Though, seriously, don't read too much into it.

And, I just couldn't resist doing a Birkin/Gollum thing, and since I just beat Resident Evil 5 I had to include a referance to my favorite cutscene of all time--shirtless Wesker.

If it's incoherent, that's because it's 11:30 at night, but my very long lasting writer's block just broke.

Oh, and I don't really hate Alice.

Anna


End file.
